Ode to the blue on New Year's Eve

It's New Year's Eve. I feel as though this is the most retrospective day each year, at least it is for me. I've always enjoyed summing up my year and assessing my progress. Each year, I seem to grow for the better, I'm on a constant journey of self realisation.

But this year was different. This year was still and numb. I'm struggling to write this because it's something I haven't shared publicly before. It's important to me that I share my experiences to gain the self progression I think I deserve - I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I also want to give people who may be in the same position as me a glimpse of hope. 

I was emitted to hospital for a suicide attempt earlier this year. I had been struggling with depression for some time but had issues reaching out. I guess you could say I couldn't swallow my pride. Things changed for me that day: I got help from the hospital, contacted my parents and carried on with counselling; but I became overwhelmed by my emotions and I quickly spiralled back into my state of depression. 

I was also experiencing frequent panic attacks which added to the stress and bleakness of my life. It's safe to say it has been a daunting, exhausting year. 

So, I did what every human being does, I carried on with my life as best as I could. I kept struggling through and I'm still struggling through. I feel like I'm going round and round on the longest, bumpiest roller coaster. I feel like the night I was emitted to hospital was just yesterday. 

I'm dedicating this to all the people who feel disheartened this New Year's Eve. I'm also speaking out about my issues because I cannot hide from them anymore. I want my friends and family to know that I still need support. 

I'm the same person I was before all of this happened. I'm still the positive, bubbly Emily I always have been. I'm high-spirited and outrageous and hilarious (extremely hilarious). Sometimes, it just takes me a little longer to feel happy than it did before. BUT I'M HERE. I'm still alive and I get to experience love and I get to sing and be merry with my friends. And it's great. 

I also have days where I can't get out of bed because I'm drowning in tears and days where I have panic attacks in the street and stand there confused and unable to control my emotions. I experience the most utterly lost and loneliest days. I don't want to feel this way. I have a strong mind and an even stronger heart and I'm more grateful than ever for my life. I'm determined to get through this, I want to be the best version of myself but I'm not there yet. And that's okay.

I hope everyone is where they want to be this evening. And if anyone is feeling the way I am, I hope you have to courage to reach out and get the support you need.

Peace and love and happy new year x